The crushing sensation in his chest nearly sends him to his knees, and he stays sitting because he isn’t sure he would be able to stand. “I needed him to know.”įinally, Bones leaves him with his thoughts, and Jim tries to shake off the shock that is undoubtedly still coursing through his veins. ![]() Jim meets his eyes for a short moment before looking back down at the hands in his lap. “Yes.” Jim’s hand is still tingling, as though he really had been touching Spock.īones stares at him for a very long time. “Is very intimate for Vulcans.” It is not a question. “Touching hands,” He says quietly after a particularly long silence. He doesn’t say very much, understanding the inadequacy of words in their situation. Later, after Scotty has removed the corpse from inside the chamber and Bones has removed Jim from outside of it, he is deposited in his quarters. Not without you, Jim wants to retort but holds his tongue. But Spock pushes his hand harder against the glass as his final act, and his eyes are still locked onto Jim’s. Spock’s eyes widen in shock, and he looks soul-crushingly sad, grieving for the lives they may have had if Jim had more courage before this dreadful day. So he pushes his own hand against the glass, a gesture that he knows Spock will recognize.Ī breath hitches in surprise from somewhere behind him, probably Bones. Spock is a private person he would never want this. He presses his hand to the glass in the ta’al as a goodbye, and Jim has a distant memory of the way his parents pressed their fingers together to show affection. His eyes are locked on Jim as he needs Jim to hear. “I have been and always shall be your friend,” Spock says, stumbling over his words. His breathing is shallow and difficult, and Jim knows the end is near. Spock is settling down now, sitting and leaning against the glass, and Jim follows him down reverently. All he can do is repeat Spock's name against the glass, his hands shaking and clawing at it. What do you think of my solution?”Īnd Jim finally wholly breaks. “I never took the Kobayashi Maru test… Until now. I beat the unbeatable test I can beat this too.Īs though Spock knows what he is thinking, he rasps out. No-win scenarios aren’t real, he tells himself. “Or the one.” Spock swallows, and Jim is trying so hard not to notice how his skin has become pale and blotchy and how his words are soft but rough, as though they are taking great effort to be said.ĭespite himself, he is still thinking through possibilities. “Outweigh the needs of the few, right?” he says. ![]() If this is the last time, he wants to make it worthwhile. Jim wants to silence him but is also hanging on to every word. “Please do not grieve… It is logical… The needs of the many….” “Jim,” Spock is saying, and Jim wants so badly to do something, anything. Jim’s hands are there as if to catch and hold, but there is a pane of glass in the way, and instead of meeting the warmth of Spock's body, he meets the cold of plexiglass, and his heart breaks all over again. Spock’s entire body seems to relax at that, and he slumps against the wall of glass between them in relief. His own voice seems to be emanating from lightyears away. "Yes.” He hears himself say, from very far away somehow. ![]() “Our ship? Out of danger?” Spock asks, and Jim wants to scream at him for worrying about the ship in a time like this. His eyes are trained on Spock like he is the most fascinating thing in the universe, but the tears streaming down his face betray the agony in his worship. He was doomed when he stepped into the chamber, they say. Jim knows that he is gone.Īfter mumbled words from Bones and Scotty, they release him. His eyes are glassy and empty, and Jim knows. To get to Spock, who is currently stumbling against the glass as though he didn’t even register it there. They know that he would do anything, open the doors and flood them all with radiation, to get to him. Hands are holding him back, and he knows that they know. In actuality, years of hardship (Tarsus, mostly) had left him a shell of a man, had left him with years of unhealthy coping skills, and without the ability to cry without sobbing. He’d spent years cultivating an image, an image that labeled him as a bad boy, a menace to the admiralty. He was Captain James Tiberius Kirk nothing got under his skin.
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